September is Here....and that is a good thing

Each year I count down until we turn the calendar to September.  For me, September is the beginning of the "good" season.  I love to see the trees change, the weather get cooler, different foods to be in season and let's just face it, for college football to start.
I love to watch really all football, if it is a good game, but my heart belongs to the Nebraska Cornhuskers.
I grew up in Nebraska and have watched football all my life.  When I was growing up, however, they were a much different team than they are now.  They changed, but haven't we call.  I didn't used to really like watching their games, the won all the time.  EXCEPT for the big game at the end of the season.  The games were BORING!!  The rolled over other teams and it wasn't worth it to watch.  I generally referred to the third quarter as nap quarter.  However, the Huskers as of late do not have the record of those days.  They actually lose during the season.  There was actually a season a while back where it was a good thing we had a kicker (not that you can play without a kicker, but you know what I mean).  Our kicker seemed to be the only one scoring....those Callahan years were hard!

Saturday, we start another new season and if you will another new era in Husker football.  Coach Mike Riley is now leading the Huskers.  I do not have any feelings about him, good or bad.  While I am excited to watch the game, right now I feel kind of vanilla. 
I liked Coach Pelini.  I know that others didn't, for various reasons.  I liked the man, he was on FIRE!!  No, not with wins, but with passion it seemed. 

I don't want to go back to watching games where you always know the outcome.  I like games with uncertainty.  I like games where it is close.  I like games where no one has to play dirty to win it is just a rough game. 

I guess we will see how this Husker season plays out.  I hope for them to win each game, but that they have to play with heart and skill.  I hope they are ready.  I am ready to watch.

disappear

many times in my adult life I have wanted to disappear.  these are not suicide thoughts, just literally disappear to somewhere else in the world. I would like to shed myself of all my responsibilities as they are choking me.
my responsibilities are choking me right now.
as I write this, I keep thinking why can't I just sleep.  Oh yeah, my head doesn't stop. 
thinking.
ruminating.
I wish it would stop.
tomorrow is going to come, in just a few hours.
those waking hours when everyone else thinks they need me.  and I can't ignore them or shut them off. babies need their mama.  It isn't her fault other people think they need me.

I know that if I disappeared, I wouldn't have her and I would miss her. miss her so much.

It's Wednesday, but really Friday

One of the things that has greatly changed in my life since I last blogged, is that I am no longer work focused all the time.  BK or before kiddo, I was pretty much defined by my work.  It seems sick now.  I knew I had this problem, but I didn't do much about it.  I did and still do enjoy work. However, now it is much less an "all the time" concern of mine.
The change really happened when I started working where I work now.  I was honest with my qualifications (as you always should be), desires for schedule, etc.  I pretty much have been very up front and brutally honest from the get-go on what I wanted and what I would give.  This has actually paid off for me.
Before I went on maternity leave, I had everything squared away with directions, etc to make my absence easier on everyone.  Then I told my employer that I didn't want to come back to work as a salaried employee.  I told him that I wanted to to the majority of my work from home.  I also explained the benefits of this to him.  Ten months later and it is working pretty well.
To get to this point in my life, I think I had to be really honest with myself, my skills/abilities and also be ok with losing my job and having to start over. For some reason, when I put it all out there it worked.
I now work in the office on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and work from home the rest of the time.  My hours at home are not set.  I work as needed to get my job done. Some days at home are harrier than others.  Some days work needs me more and other days kiddo needs me more.  I feel like I have a good balance, most of the time. 
Working just two days of the week in the office has its advantages and disadvantages.
Advantages:

•  it is just 2 days
• I get to spend most of my work week with my kiddo! 
• kiddo in daycare for just two days-gets her socialization
• interaction with adults without everything being about kiddo 
• little bit of money
• out of the house (some days this is just what I need)
• use of equipment I just don't have at home

Disadvantages

• the biggest is is the pumping!!! I am still nursing and I HATE pumping
• being away from my girl, I do miss her
• the in office days tend to cause me stress
• some of my work from home days end up being a little overwhelming when there is a "crisis" at work, or if my girl is especially needy and I am needed at work
• no benefits, so if I want to take time off I don't just don't get paid

I could keep listing and listing, but I will stop. I love this change to my life and really my being.  There are more important things in life than your work, and this is for people with or without kids. I wish I had been less conservative with work since I started after college.  I wish that I was naturally more laid back about work.  I know that being so intense about it may have gotten me something at the time, but I feel so much more relaxed about it that I don't know how I operated before. 

The 100 Day Project

It has obviously been a long time since my first AND only post on this blog.  I actually started this blog before finding out I was pregnant. I had big ideas of blogging again.  I have had 2 other regular blogs, both went strong for awhile, but I eventually abandoned and deleted (something I now regret). At the time of starting this blog, I was wanting to write again.  I didn't make it very pretty, I just wanted to share.  I had joined a group to really focus on a goal and writing was my goal.  My favorite medium was blogging.  Then I went and got knocked up...lol.  I love to say it that way.

Now that pregnancy is a baby. I did write a journal about being pregnant.  I was ready to join the likes of others who write books about being pregnant, but then I got tired and not so witty.  I was going to write about being a mom and a part-time employee and balance.  I actually might still do all of these things.

Now, why should I blog again?  Well, honestly I miss it.  I miss posting pictures.  I miss sharing new recipes I try and/or create.  I miss sharing.  I miss connecting. When I saw on another blogger's site that she was participating in The 100 Days Project, I became intrigued.  However, true to my MO, I could not decide on something I could commit to for 100 Days.  ARGH, such is my life! I like so many things, I want to try so many things.....I have a 10 month old at the start of the project and it is hard for me to commit to any ONE thing.  I will though commit to doing something for me each day.  This "me" thing could come in many forms: cooking something out of the ordinary, which means something extra or something new; making something, this could be any many forms; exercise, I love to exercise, but find I am not all that focused on it; do something different, this could be visit somewhere new, try a new book, read/research something I don't know about, basically EXPLORE.

I am going to be posting photos over on instagram if you want to follow along... @HEATHERJENKINS12

I am also going to work on this blog. Hey is it something new!
The 100 Days start April 6 and goes through July 14th.

Doing what I want

I know that everyone has dreams.  Dreams about what they want to be in life, what they want to do and have, who they want to become.  Generally, people also have dreams imposed upon them from family, friends, society, etc.  One of my dreams used to be to get married to a guy I met in college, become an English and Journalism teacher and have kids.  I would have summers off and we would spend lots of time with my family. I would still be best friends with people I knew in high school and hopefully have gained some more in college.
I am 36 now and my life has turned out far different than the life I dreamed of so long ago.  I think the only thing in my earlier dreams is I am married, but not to a guy I met in college (not that it really matters).  I feel like because I thought my life would end up so much like my dreams, I was afraid to try things that wouldn't get me to those dreams.  However, some where along the way, I made other choices. Otherwise I wouldn't have ended up where I am today, which is a pretty good place to be.
No I am not famous or rich, I don't have it all figured out. I do, however, believe that many of those earlier dreams were in fact dreams because of who I thought I needed to become.  I thought those things were supposed to happen for me.
In reality, I have an MBA.  I work in healthcare as a Business Administrator before this job which is more recent, I have always work in non-profits.  I have a dog. I read a lot of books.  I exercise as a hobby.  I love to cook and bake, but don't do it as much as I used to. I don't have kids and I am ok with that.  I love to try new things, visit new places and realize that there is always tomorrow. I like my life. 
The one thing I have always wanted to do was write a book.  I have started many times.  I think I have some unique stories to share, or maybe even be able to dabble in the world of non-fiction.  Who knows?
I just read a blog post from a new to me blog that made me want to start blogging again.  I want to work with my writing and putting items out there for others to read.  I want to write and contribute things that I know.
I have been discovering that not everyone thinks the way that I do (obviously) and some people find me interesting (really).